


Blood and rattles.

by Freepoetynightmare



Series: Vent fics. [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Eating Disorders, Non-Sexual Age Play, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27026410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freepoetynightmare/pseuds/Freepoetynightmare
Summary: Roman isn't coping as well as he should be.
Series: Vent fics. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1976596
Comments: 17
Kudos: 79





	Blood and rattles.

So maybe Roman couldn’t cope in a healthy way. Maybe his arms were scarred and he didn’t sleep due to nightmares. Maybe he thought about dying. So? He was still here. He didn’t need help.

He was handling it.

Maybe he pushed himself to extremes just to feel something. Maybe the stress of failing was driving him crazy. What was he going to do? Talk about it? Who was going to listen?

No he could handle this. He had to...right?

They need him to be fine. They needed him to be there...right?

He was shaking as he bandaged his arm. He had cut deeper than normal and it wasn’t stopping. He was late as it was. He didn’t have time for this!

He glanced in the mirror, he looked good enough and rose up and found...they had started without him. That’s fine. 

No one noticed him. 

That’s fine.

Everytime he tried to talk he was cut off. That’s…

It’s…

….

Sunk out unaware that he left blood on the floor. 

\---

He was cutting again when someone knocked. He cut deeper again and yelped. 

“Are you ok in there?” Patton’s concerned voice called through. 

“Y-yeah.” He cursed himself internally for his voice weavering. He pulled his sleeve down and threw the blade under his covers as the door opened. 

Patton, Logan, And Virgil walked in. 

“We noticed you left early.” Logan said.

“Well It seemed that I wasn’t helping so-”

“We also found blood on the carpet where you were standing.” Logan continued. 

Roman paled. What? How had he messed up? He bandaged it!

Virgil sensed Roman’s panic. Roman shifted so his injured arm was behind him. “I’m fine. That’s...really weird.” 

“How badly is your arm hurt?” Virgil asked.

“I’m fine.” He lied firmly. “Now not that this isn’t nice but could you please-” He was cut off as Virgil darted forward and grabbed Roman’s arm. Roman hissed in pain as blood soaked through his white sleeve and onto Virgil’s hand.

Virgil pulled his sleeve up and stared. “What did you do?”

“I..” Roman’s mind was running trying to think of an excuse. He’s mind was blank with fear.

“Have you been..hurting yourself?” Patton whispered.

Roman ripped his arm out of his Virgil’s grip and pulled his sleeve down. “It helps me.”

“It’s hurting you.” Logan said. “Many victims of self harm feel it helps in some way.” 

Victim….

“Why do you care?” Roman snapped. “It’s not hurting you!” 

“It’s hurting you!” Virgil snapped back.

“We care about you. We don’t want you to…”

Patton’s voice was getting distant. Roman noticed his vision was blurry. How much blood had he lost again? 

He stumbled back away from them. He hit the wall and shook his head. He had to steady himself. “Get out.” 

“We…..you….man?” Why did it sound like he was underwater? He slid down the wall, someone was right in front of him. 

Oh...he was passing out...Great.

\----

He woke dizzy. He sat up and someone pushed him back down, “No sitting up yet prince dumbass.” 

Ah..Virgil.

“What happened?” Roman asked.

“You tore your arm open and bleed out like an idiot.” Virgil snapped.

Roman winced. Idiot. Failure. Stupid.

“Right.” Roman agreed, closing his eyes. God he wanted to die. 

“Roman?” Virgil shook his shoulder. 

“No no keep going. What happened after that? I passed out like a failure and made you all take care of me?” Roman looked at Virgil who was staring at him with his mouth open.

“What...why would...what?” 

“It would have been so much better if you just let me die!” Roman said sitting up. Dizzy but he managed to not fall backwards. 

“Falsehood.” Logan said.

He and Patton were standing in the doorway. Patton was crying. Great. Messed it up again.

“Roman we care about you.” Logan said.

“We need you.” Patton said.

“It’s not..the same without you.” Virgil was getting choked up. 

Roman glared at the bed sheets. At his bandaged arm. “Right.”

\---

Roman didn’t talk much after that. He almost always had someone with him. On suicide watch. Great.

He tried to play it off as a recent bout of insanity and that he was fine. No one believed it. 

“We need to find a healthy coping method for you.” Logan said.

Roman rolled his eyes but said nothing. 

“Ice cube?” 

Roman sighed, “I have tried everything.” 

Logan went through a list, Roman getting more and more irritated with everything he had tried and failed. 

“Age regression?” Logan asked.

“...What?” Roman asked.

“Age regression...I take it you haven’t tried it?” Logan asked.

Roman shook his head, “Doubt it will help.” 

“Well it is worth a shot. I’ve found it useful.” Logan said.

Roman blinked. Huh…

\---

“This is stupid.” Roman said sitting on the floor with a bunch of childrens’ toys around him of different age groups. From baby to pre teen. 

“Give it a shot!” Patton encouraged. “Lo is pretty little. He likes not having to think.”

That sounded nice. “So what do I do?” Roman asked.

“Just start playing.” Patton said, “See if anything clicks.” 

Roman picked up a stuffed raccoon and hugged it. 

This is stupid. Part of him said. This is nice, the other part said.

Roman frowned and put the raccoon down. He picked up a baby rattle. “Really?” 

Patton smiled at him. “Try it!” 

Roman huffed and shook it. Then he shook it again. He snapped out of it as he noticed he was smiling. He put it down quickly.

“It won’t work if you keep fighting it.” Logan informed him. 

“Well how do you do it?” Roman asked.

Logan sighed and sat down next to patton. He grabbed the rattle and shook it. Roman watched as Logan’s face shifted. He could see it working. Logan shook the rattle a few times before handing it to Patton. 

“No more rattle? Ok. what are you going to do next?” Patton asked.

Logan didn’t speak. He just picked up a child’s puzzle beads and stuck his tongue out as he worked at it. 

Roman stared as Logan didn’t immediately solve it. He seemed more interested in just...playing with the colored beads. 

Roman felt less self conscious and picked up the raccoon again. He hugged it to his chest. 

“Did you pick out a friend?” Patton asked.

Roman blushed, “I guess.” 

“Does he have a name?” Patton asked gently. 

“It’s a girl.” Roman said before he really thought about it. 

“Oh. What’s her name?” Patton asked.

“Mika.” Roman said in a higher pitched voice than normal. 

“That’s a good name.” Patton said. 

Roman hugged Mika. She was soft and plush and had a cute face. Roman found himself softly petting her head. “What do I do now?” He asked firmly in little space.

“Anything you want.” Patton said smiling. 

Logan shook the bead puzzle before handing it Patton. He grabbed the rattle again. 

Roman wanted a rattle. He frowned when he didn’t see another out. “Rattle?” 

Patton looked down and found one. “Here you go!”

“Thanks you.” Roman said before shaking it. 

Logan watched him and shook his rattle twice. Roman copied him. They both giggled and rattled at each other. 

“Awww. Having fun?” Patton asked.

Roman hid behind Mika. “Yeah.” He confessed. 

Logan nodded. 

Patton beamed. 

\---  
Roman took a breath. He regressed naturally now when he got overwhelmed. But he felt bad having Patton watch both him and Logan. Turns out he didn’t stay shy. He was a bit of a brat and when he was little he didn’t notice but that was a lot for Patton to deal with.

He needed someone who could snap back at him when he snapped. He needed someone who wasn’t as soft. He needed Virgil. 

So he knocked on Virgil’s door nervously. “Oh. Hey? You need something?” 

“Oh Me Just...Checking up on you.” Roman said awkwardly. “And You’re fine sooo bye!” 

“Get back here.” Virgil said.

Roman turned back around. Virgil raised an eyebrow. Roman looked away for a second, took a breath and then blurted it out, “Will you be my caregiver?” 

Virgil looked at him in surprise. “Me? What about Pat?”

“He’s good but..I don’t think he’s what I need in a Caregiver.” Roman said

“Did you talk to him about it?’ Virgil asked.

“I did. He was the one who suggested you.” Roman admitted.

Virgil nodded, “We can try it...but don’t get your hopes up.” 

Roman beamed and Virgil knew he was stuck with him. Not that he minded. 

Roman was better now. He was coping. He was…

Happy. At the moment.  
\----

Roman wanted to cut. So he went to Virgil who took one look at him before offering a hug. Roman hugged him tightly. “Do you need to be little right now?” 

“Please?” Roman asked, his voice breaking on the word.

Virgil nodded before pulling back and grabbing Roman hand, taking him to Roman’s room. “Let’s see. First we can get you in some cozy pjs and then a snack?” 

Roman smiled and went to his closet and started looking for something to wear. He saw a small box on a shelf that held a spare razor. He froze and slowly reached for it. Virgil grabbed it before he could. He didn’t need to ask what was in there, he just slipped it into his hoodie pocket.

Roman took a breath. He pulled out some Lilo and stitch pjs and put them on. “How small do you wanna be today Little prince?” Virgil asked looking in a drawer with Pacis and other baby items. 

Roman wrinkled his nose, “Bigger than that.” Virgil laughed. 

“Ok. Snack time then?” Virgil held out his hand and Roman took it. 

They went down to the kitchen and found Logan, “Hello. I see someone is little.” 

Roman huffed, “I’m five.” 

Logan nodded fighting not to smile at the sass in Roman’s tone. He was just going to encourage him if he did that.

“Well that’s big isn’t it?” Logan said.

Virgil ruffled Roman’s hair. “What do you want to eat?”

“Fruit gummies!” Roman said excitedly. 

Virgil got him a small cup of fruit gummies and a water bottle. He set them on the table next to Logan and Roman sat down. Kicking his feet as he sorted them by color before eating them.

“Two….four...five...seven…” He counted the colors. He had to eat the ones with the most than move down to the smallest. “...Seven.” 

He had two groups of seven. “Uh oh.” 

“What’s wrong?” Virgil asked as he got himself a cup of coffee.

Logan glanced over and noticed. He quickly took one from one of the piles of seven. “There. Problem solved.” 

Roman narrowed his eyes. “I guess.” 

Roman slowly started eating them, one arm blocking Logan from taking any more of his snack. Logan slipped the extra gummy back into its pile when Roman glanced back to see what Virgil was doing. 

Roman finished eating just as Virgil sat down. “Done!” 

“No. you have to drink your water too.” Virgil said.

Roman groaned, “But I Don’t wanna!” 

“You need to stay hydrated and I know you haven’t been drinking today.” Virgil said.

Roman glared at him for a solid minute and when Virgil didn’t back down he blew a raspberry at him before drinking his water.

Logan sat back to watch this play out. He was impressed with Virgil for not caving. Patton would have right after Roman said he didn’t want to. 

“Done!” Roman said slamming the empty cup down. 

“We don’t slam things.” Virgil reminded him. 

Roman huffed and crossed his arms. “Whatever.” 

Logan was not going to laugh. He was not going to laugh. He was not…. “Excuse me.” He left quickly before laughing. 

Roman watched him go with a pout. “But…”

“What’s wrong?” Virgil asked.

Roman shrugged, “It’s nothing.” He kicked his feet again. He started scratching his arm. 

Virgil gently pulled Roman’s hand away from his arm, “No scratching.” 

Roman glared at him, “I need it!”

“Roman.” Virgil warned.

“Pffft!” Roman replied.

“Do you want a time out?” Virgil asked.

Roman knew that was the last straw. That he was pushing his limits. He also knew that this was for his own good and He was the one that made the rules when he was bigger. 

He still thought it was unfair. 

“Mean.” 

Virgil rolled his eyes, “Making sure you don’t hurt yourself. Totally mean.” 

Roman thought about biting him, but he didn’t want to hurt Virgil. He wanted to hurt himself. So he bit the arm that Virgil wasn’t holding. 

“NO!” Virgil snapped. Pulling Roman’s head back. “We don’t bite either!” 

Roman teared up. “No no no no! Always no!” 

“Roman…”

Roman pulled his arms out of Virgil’s grip and ran off. He hid behind the dryer crying. He scratched at his arms as guilt swallowed him. He knew he shouldn’t do this! Why was he doing this! Virgil was going to hate him now! 

They were all going to hate him!

He was panicking so much it was easy for Virgil to track him down. 

“Stupid stupid stupid.” roman muttered to himself. 

Virgil Peeked behind the dryer at him, “You ready to come out?” 

“NO!”

Virgil sat cross legged and watched him scratch his arms. Roman stopped under Virgil’s disappointed gaze. He started crying harder. “You hate me!”

Virgil took a calming breath. It hurt that Roman got like this. “No I don’t. No one hates you.” 

“I do.” Roman muttered a bit older sounding. 

“It’s getting worse again isn’t it?” Virgil asked seriously.

Roman glared at the scratches on his arms. He won’t meet Virgil’s eyes. “Yes.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Virgil asked.

“I want to cut it away.” Roman said sharply.

Virgil was unfazed, “You know that won’t help.” 

Roman sighed heavily. “I know. “He sounded hollow. Done. 

This was worse than Virgil thought. “Come on, let’s get in some clean pjas, those look pretty gross from being back there.” 

Roman sighed and climbed out from behind the dryer. Virgil took his hand and led him to go get clean clothing. 

“What happened?” Patton asked, seeing a dirty, puffy eyed Roman. 

Virgil just shook his head. Patton got it and didn’t press. He just ruffled Roman’s hair as he passed. 

Roman felt worse than ever. He was making them worry. Making Virgil deal with his temper tantrums and breakdowns. Stupid.

“You are not stupid.” Virgil said firmly as he pull out clean pjs from Roman’s closet. 

“I don’t think we should do this anymore.” Roman said, trying to throw up a wall.

Virgil knew what that meant. “Roman you are not a bother. I like taking care of you.”

“I’m awful!” Roman argued glaring at himself in the mirror. 

“Look at him.” Virgil said. Roman turned his head towards him. “You are not awful, or useless, or a burden, or any of the terrible things your brain is saying.” 

Roman huffed, “I can change myself.” 

Virgil nodded and turned around but didn’t leave the room. Even after multiple searches there were still razors in here. And with Roman’s ability to just make new ones made it unsafe to leave him alone. 

Roman finished changing. “I’ll go put these in the wash.” He said holding the dirty Pjas.

“I’ll go with you.” Virgil said.

Roman nodded stiffly before walking out Virgil following him. 

Patton was waiting outside, “I’ll take those!” He said cheerfully grabbing the dirty clothing.

“I can-”

“Nope! Just let me handle it!” Patton beamed at Roman before walking off with the laundry. 

Roman scratched again.  
“Roman.” Virgil said gently.

Roman’s hand jerked away from his arm. He was on the verge of tears. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. This is hard. But you are fighting it.” Virgil reminded him. “You are making progress at getting better.”

Roman shifted. He looked at the ground before peeking at Virgil, “Can I….”

“Yes?”

“Hug?” Roman asked small. 

Virgil opened his arms and Roman threw himself into them. Today was a bad day. It wasn’t even over. But Virgil and the others would be there for him. 

He was getting through this. 

One day at a time.

\---

Roman couldn’t cut anymore. He didn’t. It had been months. But that didn’t mean he hadn’t picked up a different habit. Skipping meals. 

It started out with him just...being busy. Then he noticed that the tired feeling and stomach pain was distracting from his thoughts just like cutting had been sooo.

He didn’t mean to do it! Not really! It just...happened. It got to the point where if he did eat he had to throw it back up. 

Eat breakfast, puke it, skip lunch, eat dinner, puke it. Don’t pass out. Repeat

“Are you losing weight?” Patton asked, concerned after hugging him. 

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Roman asked.

Patton frowned, “Not if you’re at a healthy weight already.” 

“It’s probably nothing.” Roman shrugged. He hadn’t really thought about the other side effects of what he was doing. 

\--

“I mean I’ve seen him eat.” He overheard Patton talking to the other two. 

“When he’s little he eats fine as well.” Virgil said. 

“He doesn’t have a problem with eating so there must be something else.” Logan said. “He could be getting sick.”

“He seems more tired than normal.” Virgil commented. “He’s been taking more naps.”

“Do you think he’s not sleeping at night?” Patton asked.

“I guess we can keep an eye on him.” 

Roman didn’t like that. He was going to have to be more careful. He needed this! He...he..

He sunk down to sit on the floor, he just found a different way to hurt himself. 

“Roman? How long have you been there?” Virgil asked drawing Patton and Logan’s attention to him. 

Roman opened his mouth to speak but closed it. He shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“Clearly not.” Logan said.

Roman hugged himself, “I can handle it.” 

“Handle what?” Virgil asked, narrowing his eyes. 

Roman stood up and staggered. Logan caught him. “What did you do to yourself this time?”

Disappointment. Tired of him. Failure. 

He shoved Logan away. “I am fine!” 

“Just tell us what’s wrong!” Patton said.

“Nothing!” Roman said. 

Virgil crossed his arms. “Roman you have five seconds.” 

Roman glared at him. “I am not a child!” 

“Five.”

“Stop it!” 

“Four.” 

“Shut up!” 

“Three!” 

“I hate all of you!” Roman slapped a hand over his mouth. They stared at him. What was that expression? Pity? Disgust? Why couldn’t he tell?

He ran off. He locked his door behind him. 

The walls are closing in. Why can’t he breath?

Knocking on his door. Breaking it down. Hands on him. 

He puked. Most of it bile and blood. There was yelling before he blacked out. 

\--

He woke up from a nightmare to an even worse reality. The relief on Patton’s face quickly turning to disapproval. 

“We need to talk.” Patton said.

Roman didn’t say anything. Patton talked to him for awhile. He was disappointed that Roman didn’t tell them before now. That it was dangerous. That he failed..again.

Then Logan, he was clinical. Distant. He told him that he had internal bleeding and would be kept on a strict around the clock watch. Why they should go through so much trouble for him he didn’t know.

Then Virgil came in. He didn’t say anything. He must have been waiting for Roman’s excuses. Too bad for him, Roman had run out of those. 

“I thought I could trust you.” Virgil said finally.

Roman still didn’t say anything. He felt numb. The pain didn’t hit yet. 

It didn’t hit for a week. A long week where he didn’t say anything and was under constant watch. Constant disapproval. 

Just die already and let them get on with their lives.

He ate the food they gave him and threw up anyway. He could do it on command now and it hurt to have food in his stomach. Was he just making them hate him more? Probably. 

Should he care? Yes. 

Did he? 

It was two in the morning when he woke and snuck out past Patton who was sound asleep. He wandered around aimlessly before he ended up in front of Virgil’s door. He sat there for an hour or more thinking.

Should he kill himself? Get it over with. Make it so they didn’t have to deal with him anymore? Not like they could care anymore. Not after failing over and over again. 

He was surprised when he was suddenly summoned. 

Thomas looked him over, “How are you holding up?”

Roman crossed his arms, and looked away. Disappointing Thomas hurt more than disappointing the others. 

“That bad huh?” 

Roman sat down on the floor and hung his head. “I’m done.” 

Thomas went over and sat down next to him. “Mmm I don’t think you are.” 

“What?” 

“I think you are tried. But you aren’t done. You’ve just...forgotten.” Thomas said.

“Forgotten what?” roman asked.

“Love doesn’t have a limit.” Thomas said.

Roman blinked. Did he still care about the others? Yes. 

“Do you all..still care about me?” He asked in a small voice.

Thomas hugged him. “Of course we do.” 

“I’ve messed up so much.” 

“We don’t want you to hurt.” Thomas said. “It hurts us to see you like...this.”

Roman wiped the tears from his eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

“We’re here for you.” Thomas said.

Patton showed up. He looked relieved that Roman was safe. Roman broke down crying. Patton sat on his other side and hugged him. 

\---

It took time for him to get in a better mind set again. It took time for him to want to fight again. It took time to recover.

But he did. Slowly. Day by slow day he got better. He ate again. He let the others in. Told them when he’s thoughts were getting bad again. 

He was careful to not overload them. They had their own problems. Ones he helped with the best he could. 

A month passed. Then two. Sooner than he thought a year went by. 

He sat at the dinner table, his plate empty and no need to empty his stomach along with it. Patton was telling jokes, Virgil was laughing, and Logan was pretending that he hated it. 

Roman smiled. 

Things were going to be ok…. Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Is this a vent fic?...maybe.


End file.
